Last night, I had to write a sonnet. A sonnet, I thought, A sonnet won’t be hard at all. And at the time, it made a lot of sense. After all, I’ve written poetry before. I even won a contest for it in sixth grade. I write. I write A LOT. And writing isn’t exactly a challenge for me. This sonnet should take an hour tops.
So I curled up on my bed with my computer and started going through my mental catalogue of things that I had experienced that day. Writing about falling asleep in the shower was out. Not interesting. So was writing about the way I carefully observe my classmates and teachers. Too creepy. But writing about Eureka moments seemed like a great idea.
Everything was going swimmingly as I typed the first few words. I got up to feel some paper to determine exactly how I should describe it, and sat back down. I wrote about the way paper feels against your hand as you scribble on the page, capturing the way that it sticks to your palm and how your pencil can sometimes catch against a fiber. I had two lines. Then, I tried saying them out loud with em-pha-sis on every other syll-a-ble to see if it was in iambic pentameter. It wasn’t. I didn’t have ten syllables either.
I ran my hand violently through my hair and tried again and again and again. The process continued to repeat itself. Taking a few deep breaths, I pulled up some old poems that I wrote. Surely, I could just transform one of them.
A Childhood Summer
Summer meant golden sunshine and damp air
Running barefoot through lawns
As grass whipped in between our toes,
Parades of noises and color-
Flags, horns, and harmonicas
Up and down the street,
Colorful orbs of water in balloons
Lobbed at each other,
Flips on the trampoline-
Front ones, somersaults, and back ones, too,
Hiding behind trashcans in
The first purple whispers of darkness
Playing flashlight tag-
But most of all it meant freedom.
Remember the summers of old?
The tall glasses of lemonade
With water beads pouring down the sides?
Or maybe the summer dresses with the skirts
That spun out around us as we whirled
Around and around the backyard
‘til we collided or just toppled over from dizziness?
What about the corndogs that we ate at picnics:
How they stained our fingers and face shiny with grease?
What about the way we laughed,
Long before you had to restrain yours to a girly giggle?
Maybe the time we sprayed Mrs. Hirsh
With our neon plastic water soakers
And she screamed shrilly at us as we jumped her fence and ran?
Do you remember what it was like to be a child?
You didn’t have to care about how you looked or what you ate.
We were golden with innocence then.
And even if I couldn’t adapt them, summer was a great topic. Good things always happen to me during the summer. I could write about the beach or Puerto Rico or the time I ate the most delicious pizza in a strip mall in the middle of West Virginia.
It did not go well. By this point, I was done. Really, really, really done with the whole shebang. I started to cry and do my normal rolling about on the bed, but I was not going down without a fight. I have never let creative writing kick my butt before, and I wasn’t planning on starting then. Gritting my teeth and wiping my face on my sleeve, I sat up. And my mother helpfully suggested that I write about how much I hate sonnets. So I did and got a little further.
Five iambs per line we are told to write,
But under ten syllables you should stay
You must avoid the topics banal and trite
Or the teacher’s eye will turn away
Avoid the red pen for its marks your grade does fear
But it wasn’t working, and my thoughts started racing. And once again, I began to cry. Like if-I-keep-sobbing-this-hard-I-am-going-to-throw-up crying. I cried over how I couldn’t write this sonnet no matter how hard I tried and how I was an awful writer who would never make anything of herself. I cried over how jealous I was of my friends. Jealous of the way that they are living the life that I have always wanted to live. The life that I imagined having and have been working towards since I was in sixth grade. And I cried over the way that I can feel the medication messing with my brain. The way that I can feel the chemicals and hormones markedly shift with every medication change. The way that I sleep through first and second period everyday no matter how hard I try to stay alert. The way that my eyelids only open halfway and keep drooping even if I sit upright in a chair.
My mother brought me ravioli, but the tears didn’t stop. Each sob made my whole body convulse, and I kept gagging. She came in again and yelled because she was so worried. I continued to bawl. As I went to click on my internet browser to look up some example sonnets, my finger slipped and opened up iChat instead. Normally, when I do this I just instantly quit the program, but Audrey was on. And her screen-name on my buddy list was a Godsend. I’ll just talk to her and everything will be alright, I thought. “Hi,” I typed as I sucked in big breaths, holding it for three before exhaling. Instantly, she responded. Thirty minutes later, the blubbering had stopped, and there was only the occasional tear. Talking to her helped so much.
Slowly, painstakingly, I wrote my poem. I muttered the iambs to myself and used my fingers to count out the syllables. I must have looked like a first grader anxiously trying to do math. And after every line I paused to talk to Audrey. And by midnight I was done.
A Pearl gray adorns my window, dampening the day.
B Clear whispers of sunlight soon shall slip past
A So heavy thoughts of death won’t weigh.
B Silvery images of joy contrast
C The leaden darkness of our woe.
D A bird sings tunes of frivolity
C Quick! the tabby cat turns to his foe.
D His view is low in quality,
E But together we peer out wistfully
F And pray the charcoal haze will lift.
E He keeps his haunches raised, tail flicking eagerly,
F Paws tucked under, eyes looking for a shift
G Here she is! Her virgin rays do slice the morn.
G And from our dreary doldrums we are reborn.
It isn’t very good, and the lines have anywhere from seven to thirteen syllables, but it’s all mine. I wrote a sonnet despite the emotions, and you can’t take that away from me.
I’ve always believed that if you work hard enough, you’ll get what you want. Two years of babysitting bought me a whole new wardrobe in France. Hours of studying bought me perfect grades in school. And yesterday, it bought me a sonnet.
(P.S. Today in class, my AP English teacher said that I had some of the best descriptive language.)