Ella, Too Sticky Stickers, and Pink Square Tattoos

As it turns out, the special medical stickers that heart monitors use really, really hurt to take off. It’s been over six hours, and I still have pink squares where the stickers once were. Fun times.

Today, I also decided that if I ever get a tattoo–which of course, won’t happen, considering how I don’t find them very appealing and how scared I am of needles–I will not get large pinks squares all over my stomach and chest. It isn’t a good look.

In Which Ella Gets a Heart Monitor

I’m currently wearing one of those 24-hour heart monitors, which means I’ve got medical stickers connected to wires stuck all over my chest, and a little black box that I can clip to my pants tracking my heart rate.

It would be a fun experience–I mean, think about all the fun I could have pretending to be a robot–if it weren’t for the fact that I have to wear this monitor for actual medical reasons. My pulse has been unhealthily fast for the past few months, and I’d really like to see if there is anything actually wrong with it.

Healthy hearts and anorexia don’t exactly walk hand-in-hand. However, I don’t have any of the problems that anorexics usually have with their cardiovascular system. My heart rate is fast, not slow, and I don’t have any fluid surrounding my heart. We don’t really know what’s causing this, because my pulse has always been normal, and I’m not any medication that would cause this to happen. So it’s a mystery and this magical contraption is going to help us get to the bottom of it.

I was lying bed last night thinking about my heart, when it occurred to me how much I’ve changed since earlier this year. As I lay there, I realized that if there was something wrong with my heart, and I did die, it wouldn’t be all that bad. That’s not to say I’m suicidal or anything–I’m just kind of at peace with my own mortality right now. Dying would just be like going to sleep, and sleeping is never painful. I’d just regret not finishing that really, really long letter I’m writing to Cecelia and writing a proper will.

But back to being lighthearted about this*. I kind of enjoy wearing this monitor because, in my crooked mind, it looks super cool. I’ve got wires going everywhere, and it’s so incredibly impressive that a black box, special stickers, and a bunch of wires to monitor my heart for an entire day.

Unfortunately, I can’t exactly show anyone just how cool all the wires and stickers look. It’s just like when I was little, and I’d get new underwear, and I couldn’t show it to anybody no matter how cool it was. It’s rather disappointing that the wires couldn’t all be on my back or legs. You’ll just have to take my word for awesome I think this heart monitor looks.

Here’s hoping my heart’s healthy and that I don’t have anything to worry about.

*I’m hilarious.

On Breathing Too Quickly, Crying, and Freaking-Out

I’ve been having a lot of trouble with sleeping lately. Ever since Miles died in his sleep, I’m scared that the same will happen to me. I made the doctor who is monitoring my anorexia spend extra time checking my heart a few weeks ago, but the knowledge that my heart is perfectly healthy hasn’t helped the anxiety.

For the past week and a half I have had a panic attack every night. Sometimes, like last weekend, it has lead to extreme detachment. Other times, it leads to me being convinced that I have died. But mostly, I’m sure that if I go to sleep and therefore loose consciencousness, I’ll die.

Logical? No.

Easy for people around me to deal with? No.

Enjoyable? You’re funny.

Remember this post, The Medication Adventures Continue? Well, my mother discovered that if I take the medication at eight, I am knocked out by ten. While this has helped me get more sleep, it hasn’t stopped the anxiety, as proven by yesterday’s attack when I attempted to walk out of the house while crying, making weird noises, flailing my hands, and marching. (I know that this makes me sound deranged. I swear that I am not. I’m quite normal most of the time.)

Here’s to hoping that tonight is better. I mean, it has to improve at some point, right?