Ella’s Latest Transgression

I must apologize for it was I who lied about eating breakfast. I didn’t have the toast you lovingly purchased at the bakery yesterday. You bought me raisin walnut bread, my very favorite, and I left it sitting on the counter sheathed in its plastic bag. Instead, I found my brownie from last night, floating in melted ice cream and ate it and Welches’ Fruit Snacks on the floor of the bathroom, sitting on the bathmat with my towel draped over my head.

Instead of tasting delicious, the brownie was gross. It had soaked up the melted ice cream like a sponge while it spent twelve hours in the refrigerator, and it tasted rather funny. Refrigerated melted ice cream is never very good. But I ate it anyway because if I threw it out, you would find it and I didn’t want to have to break it into small pieces and flush it down the toilet. The nutritionist said I had to stop doing that because it hurts the drains, which is something I already know. But there are only so many places to hide. You always find it when I put it in balled-up tissues.

The Fruit Snacks were better, but I had to eat them quickly so you wouldn’t find me. When you don’t eat the small gummies deliberately by flavor, they taste rushed and bland. I had to chew them quickly and I think I swallowed one whole. Something caught in my throat and I had to cup my hands under the tub’s faucet to drink. But the water was hot and didn’t taste right. I know now that you should never steep gummies in water to make tea.

And then I didn’t tell you. Not at all. Because you would sigh and say, “Ella…” in that tone that means that you are very disappointed in me for not just doing what I’m supposed to for once because it is so very obvious that I’m being ridiculous. And I would tell you that “it’s a disease, Mum” to justify my deception.

But I am sorry for my transgression. Tomorrow I will eat my breakfast. I will measure the Grape Nuts while you watch, and I might even have two eighty calorie yogurts.

And as always, you can also find me on tumblr at http://emleng93.tumblr.com/, if you’re into that kind of thing.

7 thoughts on “Ella’s Latest Transgression

  1. Thanks for being honest Ella. It’s good to get inside your head. It’s hard to watch you walk your own road when I’d like to carry you over the rough spots. It’s not easy being a mom or being 18.

  2. Ella, I’m so happy I stumbled across your blog; your writing is delightful!

    As someone with an eating disorder, this post was on very familiar ground for me. The little details of hiding food in balled-up tissues or breaking it into pieces and flushing it away brought me back to when I was living at home, using the same methods to hide what I’d eaten or not-eaten.

    I hope you’re well, and that you never stop writing. :)

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